Of late, I find myself unable to come up with anything beyond short bursts of thoughts. If my thought process is blogging, then I’m more in the microblogging (think: Twitter) genre right now. Short, random, unconnected, rambling at times.
I was able to come up with my Masters thesis proposal lately though, so maybe all the organizing and logical thinking was channeled there. Maybe. I’m not sure.
I want to fight for my brain again. I want to come up with non-academic ideas right now. I so desperately want to say something inspiring, or perhaps cheesy or perhaps witty? I’m trying right now. Trying very hard.
Anyway, I just want to share recent happenings, musings, experiences, or well, random thoughts. *Sigh*
Fine, let’s just stick with random thoughts for now. My brain will redeem itself, let’s give it time.
ONE. I cannot consider the feelings and emotions that I have whenever the semester is about to end within the category of ‘burn-out’ or ‘fatigue’, it’s more ‘hopeful-but-so-darn-tired’. I know that at every end of semester is the proverbial light at the end of the semester-tunnel or whatever long tube you are in. It’s a fact. The semester will end and then I can breathe again, sleep 8 hours, and enjoy eating chocolates not as stress food but as mere food for pleasure. I love the thought of the end of the semester, its the right before the end I dread. But that’s life. I’ve learned to roll with it, if roll’s really what I do. I more like, drag, crawl, bite my tongue and jump head on to ‘wait is that ice waterrrrrrrr’?!! The point is, there is that bright, shimmering, constant light at the end. And there is always the end.
TWO. I will never, as much as I can, mix relatives and money matters. End of story. Sticky, complicated, awkward and at worst, hurtful. Aaah, but life has many of these sticky situations. One must learn to fight through it, and oil yourself well so the sticky part won’t stick.
THREE. “Don’t we all” – this has been the phrase I’ve been mulling over the past weeks. Don’t we all… lie? cheat? love? get hurt? become rude? become too proud? need grace? need second chances? need love? Don’t we all.
FOUR. I have been in love with the guy since the latter part of 2011. In between then and now, I’ve loved more and have learned to trust more (though still a work in progress on this one). I’ve loved more and have realized how much vulnerable one becomes when one loves. I’ve loved more and have realized how little I know of love. I’ve loved more, cried more, laughed more, gave more, thought more, planned more, hoped more, and generally am able to live more. I still fear the future, I still doubt sometimes, I still resort to my selfish, manipulative mode when I feel threatened (usually, baseless feelings) but in general, I now believe that this kind of love can really exist. Love, I still can’t pinpoint (I guess I’ll never be able to and that’s okay), but am experiencing and living.
FIVE. The Lord misses me. I miss Him too. I’ve been complacent, too complacent for my own good. Chillin’ could be the contemporary term (haha, sorry, just wanted that to use that word). I’ve been on token devotion and prayer time for the past month and this has slowly crept into my system like a rust destroying the iron heart meant for battles. It takes a solid knock, more like someone kicking open to the rusty gates to get to the heart of the matter (pun intended). Pain, ah, it is a useful tool to kick that door open and let the restoration team in. I had my long quiet time this morning, I wrote a lengthy letter for Him, I prayed real hard, and felt light and expectant and hopeful. And the Lord never fails. He never fails. As if on cue, He answers my prayers one by one. I had to smile and laugh a bit. It’s like so scripted but so surreal and spiritual. It’s like when a father really goes out of his way to show his child how he does things – clear, direct, and plainly laid out for the kid. I felt like a little girl in awe of her Dad who can do everything (kids don’t usually see the strings being pulled, just the end result – the toy or the doll). With the Lord, it’s as clear as day, His giant strings – hidden from my plain eyes – pulled out so that my prayers will be answered, one after the other.
SIX. I might have written too much for some ‘random musings’, nevertheless, I still want to come up with a complete post about just one thing. One complete thought. Next time. For now, this random postings will suffice.